A presenter is stood talking into the camera

Presenter: Hello. Today I will be showing you how to jump out of a window from the top floor of a very tall building…which I happen to be in now, whilst drinking a glass of orange juice – at the same time!

Presenter grabs an empty glass off the window sill

He passes it to the camera man to fill up with juice for him (off screen)

Presenter takes the now full glass off the camera man

Presenter stands on the ledge and looks out the open window

The wind blows a tin can onto his face

Presenter: Ouch (rubs his face).  (Turns head to face camera) Okay folks….here I am…brrr…it’s a bit breezy! Anyway, here I am attempting to jump from this top floor window whilst drinking a glass of orange juice at the same time whilst in the air…

Presenter gestures for the camera man to show the long drop through the camera lens

Presenter: You all see that at home I hope…okay…here goes…I will land at the bottom of the building having drunk the orange juice out of this glass…

Pause

Presenter: (Turns to camera) actually…do you think it would look better if I did this naked? Hmm…actually no, stupid idea, it’s far too cold.

The presenter jumps off the ledge

(Through the eyes of the camera lens) The camera man runs down five blocks of stairs and exits the building

The head of the presenter is resting on the floor outside

Presenter’s Head: (Smiles) I did it

End of sketch

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The setting is in a teachers staffroom

Teacher 1 is sat down being consoled by Teacher 2

Teacher 1: I just can't do it, I can't go out there without Angela and Pam (Sobs into his hands)

Teacher 2: You can! You can do this

Teacher 1: But they're my guidance! They lead me the way!

Teacher 2: What's so special about them anyway? Why not just get say...a pet dog like everyone else?

Teacher 1: Dogs are noisy and smelly. Plus they need training. These beauties were trained from birth. Oh how I miss them. Where could they have gone?

Teacher 2: It's your fault for leaving them here - how could you forget to take them home with you?

Teacher 1: I don't know! (Sobs)

Suddenly there is a knock on the door

Teacher 2: (Shouts) come in!

The door opens

It is the school caretaker

The caretaker is holding a pair of false breasts

Caretaker: I believe these belong to one of you

Teacher 1 stands up in excitment and rushes to the doorway

Teacher 1: Angela! Pam! You found them!

Teacher 2: (Sighs) thank you...he can't teach without them.

Caretaker: I found some student wandering around the hall with them attached to his head

Teacher 1: Tell me about it...the little brat's made them lose their shape! Oh well...I guess I can bed them in again...

Teacher 1 removes his shirt and puts on the false breasts

Pause

Teacher 1: It feels a bit...

Teacher 2: A bit what?

Teacher 1: Runny...wet...like there is some kind of liquid inside them...

Caretaker: Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that part? Some students had vomited and urinated inside the breasts, Sir.

Teacher 2 sniggers

Teacher 1: Why those little bastards (shakes his fist in a rage)

Teacher 1 storms out the staffroom and into the corridor outside with just his trousers and false breasts on

Cut to corridor

Teacher 1: (Shouts) Who did it?! Which one of you pesky little rodents vomited and pissed inside my breasts?!

Student: We took a shit in them too

Teacher 1 looks at the palm of hands. His hands have brown stains on them

Teacher 1 let's out an angry snarl

End of Sketch
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Setting is inside an exam hall

Four students are sat at their desks in a line

Examiner: You have 2 hours. Good luck

The students open their papers

The students start to take notes

A ‘fart’ noise can be heard

A couple of students giggle

The students carry on with the exam

A loud burp can be heard coming from student 1 at the end of the line

The students all laugh

Student 1: Sorry! I do apologise! (Holds his hand up to say sorry)

Examiner: Excuse me! We are under exam conditions which means no talking!

Student 1: So stop talking then

The students laugh

Examiner: Get out!

Student 1 stands up and kicks over his chair in a rage

Student 1 exits

The students remain in silent and get back to the exam

There is a knock on the big hall windows

Student 1 is stood outside the window doing a little dance in just his underwear

All of the students laugh and point

Examiner: Stop! Please! Stop this at once!

Student 1 can be seen getting dragged away by the head teacher

The students get back to the exam in silence

Student 2 takes out a cigarette and lights it

Student 2 puts his feet up on the desk

Examiner: Put that cigarette out at once young man!

Student 2 lights the end of his exam paper with his lighter

Examiner: Out! Get out!

Student 2 walks out smoking his cigarette

The examiner throws the lit exam paper on the floor and stomps out the flame

Examiner: Anybody else? Hmm?

Student 3: Well there are only 2 of us left, Sir.

Examiner: And are you going to be little cunts, hmmm?

Student 4: Of course not sir.

Examiner: What do good boys do, hmmm?

Student 3: They lick penis, sir.

Student 4: And rub ice cream all over Sir’s nipple, Sir…

Examiner: Which nipple…hmm?

Student 4: The left nipple, Sir. Always the left nipple.

Examiner: And what happens if you do it to the wrong nipple…hmm?

Student 4: We get tied up and thrown inside your basement, Sir.

Examiner:  That is right. So, if you both do as I say…then you both pass this exam with top grades. What do you think?

Student 3: I’m all for it Sir (Gets tub of ice cream out of his bag)

Examiner: And what about you? (Looks at student 4)

Student 4: Erm…erm…I don’t know…Sir…you see, there’s this girl…and…

Examiner takes out a gun and shoots student 4 in the head

Examiner: Waste of space.

Pause

Examiner: You (points at Student 3) Follow me

Student 3 stands up to leave

Examiner gestures for him to follow

Examiner exits

Student 3 runs back to pick up the ice cream off his desk he had forgotten

Student 3 exits

End of Sketch

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An old man is sat on a chair smoking a pipe

A young woman is sat across from him

Old man: I'm cold

The young woman bends down and switches the fire on

Pause

Old man: I'm hot

The young woman bends down and switches the fire off

Pause

Old man: I'm cold

The young woman bends down and switches the fire on

Pause

Old man: I'm hot

The young woman rolls her eyes in frustration

A man wearing a banana suit stood behind her, hits her over the head with a cucumber

Old man: I said I'm hot...

The young woman bends down and switches the fire off

Young woman: How many more hours left? I want to go home!

Old man: Only another 586 hours left. I'm cold.

The young woman turns around quickly, pulls out a gun and shoots the man in the banana suit.

The young woman then jumps out of the window She falls a long way, until eventually landing inside a gigantic fish tank

Tiny goldfish: Hello

The tiny goldfish stares longingly at the young woman

The young woman stares longingly back

Cut to church

Wedding bells are playing

The young woman walks out of the church wearing a brides outfit, with the goldfish inside a bowl clutched in her hands

A bow tie is fastened around the rim of the bowl

Young woman: (Lifts the bowl up to her face) I will always love you, my dear husband Young woman kisses the bowl.

Tiny goldfish: Love you too, my dear. So, can we have sex now?

End of Sketch
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Setting is inside a house

An Estate Agent is showing a husband and wife around the home

The estate agent is rather camp

Estate Agent: Okay, if you wouldn’t mind taking your shoes off before you go upstairs, don’t want you getting shit or anything like that on the carpet.

The husband and wife take off their shoes.

Estate Agent: Okay? Are we ready? I shall lead the way.

The estate agent leads the husband and wife up the stairs

The estate agent opens the door at the top

A man and woman are having sex on a bed

Estate Agent: Here we have the bedroom.

The husband and wife look shocked

Husband: What? This is appalling!

Estate Agent: What is dear?

Husband: Well, they’re having sex!

Estate Agent: Yes…I know. Isn’t it sweet?

The wife turns away in disgust

Estate Agent: Would you care to try it out?

Husband: Most certainly not!

Estate Agent: Yes but, you could get a nice feel for the bed…and the room, perhaps? I could record it, I’ve got my camera right here look

Estate Agent takes out his mobile phone

The camera on the phone is switched on

Estate Agent: (Holds phone camera up to the man and woman having sex) Look at that picture, so clear…

Wife: Can we PLEASE just go into the next room now?

Estate Agent: Okay. (Shouts to the man and woman having sex) Thanks Neil, thanks Barbara! (Closes the door)

The Estate Agent opens the next room

A lovely blue and white bathroom comes into view

Wife: Oh this is lovely

Husband: (Peers into the bath tub) what is that?

Estate Agent: Ooooooh, damn Rover! What a bad doggy he is! Naughty pooch!

Wife: Dog!?

Estate Agent: Yes, I bathed him in the tub for a bit before you came along, he needed a wash. He’s left you a little present look

Husband: The dog has shit in the bath tub. This is an outrage!

Estate Agent: Now wait just a minute, there’s one more room to show you.

Estate Agent opens the next door.

The room is dark

Husband: Oh my god, it stinks in here!

Wife: I think I’m going to be sick!

Estate Agent: Hang on, let me just find the light switch

The lights flick on

Estate Agent: Here we are

The room is full of vomit

The husband and wife are both violently sick

Estate Agent: Yes, that’s right! You’ve both got the right idea! This is the vomit room! I think you’re both going to suit this house just fine!

Husband: (Glares at the estate agent) I’ll have you for this! (Vomits)

Estate Agent: Oooh, I can’t wait! I’ll be waiting for you in the bedroom then! Tell me, do you like PVC?

The husband punches the estate agent

Estate Agent: OOOO! I like them rough too!

End of sketch

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  A man and woman are sat next to each other

  The woman has a laptop on her knee

  The laptop is turned on and there is a social networking site visible on the screen

  Woman: (Laughs) And this is Tom, look at his face!

  Man: (Laughs) Why does he only have one eye?

  Woman: We scooped the other one out with a wooden spoon during a sleep over at my house last year...it was hilarious!

  The man laughs along

  Pause

  Man: Eugh! Who on earth is that!? (Points at the screen) Look at her! Or should i say it! Look at her rabbit teeth! She should really get them fixed! And look at that hairstyle! (Laughs) did the hairdresser cut around a bowl whilst doing that? Her hair looks like a mushroom! Ha! The end of a penis! Ha! Penis head!

  People on the bus start to turn around and give the man strange looks

  Man: Look at her tits! So saggy! Christ, is she married? Who the hell is it? (Vomits violently on the bus floor) she's disgusting!

  Woman: That was me two years ago before my surgery. (Slams the laptop shut)

  (The man holds his vomit in whilst giving the woman a wry smile)

  End of sketch

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A man can be seen packing his grocery shopping inside the fridge

His wife is stood behind him

She notices some melons in the shopping bag

Wife: Melons?!

Man: Yes...why?

Wife: But we don't like melons!

Man: I know...I just thought I'd buy some for the hell of it...you know, to waste money and all that.

Wife: But why?

Man: Oh just shut up woman and help me pack it all away would you? The melons go in the fruit bowl

Wife: (Places the bag of melons in the fruit bowl) Seriously though, why did you buy the melons dear?

Man: (Looks annoyed with the fridge packing) Because I needed something to look at

Wife: Something to look at?

Man: Yes, I needed some big juicy melons to look at. (Looks at wife) Well yours are no good are they, all them babies you've had with your previous blokes down the line, having them suck on them bags of wind for milk, well, it's made them all a bit...baggy.

Wife: Baggy?!

Man: (Throws a lump of cheese on the floor in frustration) This damn fridge! Full of food! I thought we didn't have any, hence why you sent me to the shops!

Wife: Full of food...well what else do you expect to see inside a fridge, dear?

The door bell rings

Man walks to the front door

Man opens the front door

A lady is stood at the door holding a tiny fridge

Lady: Good day Sir! I'm just wondering if you would like to purchase a portable fridge?

Man: Actually, it's funny you should mention that...

Lady: You can store all sorts of wonderful things in this fridge, Sir! Socks, jewellery, ha, even tampons for the wife!

Man: But wouldn't the socks be a little...cold?

Lady: Well that's the beauty of it Sir! Putting on cold items is a bit like having an orgasm in a park, I say!

(Pause)

Lady; I mean, if you wanted to store food in it, I suppose you could always cut up the wife! (Laughs)

The man laughs thoughtfully along with the lady

Man: I'll buy it

End of sketch
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The presenter is stood in front of a huge, glass crystal shaped dome.

He is wearing a bald cap - bits of his real hair can be seen poking out from under it. He is wearing black leggings and a leopard print coat.

Presenter: (Into camera) Hello! Loveable Ricky here! Welcome to a brand new series of The Crystal Maze. After a good few years out, we thought it only best to make a return, due to the huge public demand. Let's get straight to it shall we and meet our contestants.

Cut to first mug shot

The shot shows a photo of a very smiley young man

The young man has a glove puppet of a duck on his left hand, raised high above his head.

Presenter: (Narration) Here we have our team captain, Ben Dover. He is an accountant from Bristol.

Cut to next mug shot

A photo of a woman comes up. She has buck front teeth which go over her lower lip.

Presenter: (Narration) Teresa-Green. She is a full time librarian from Iraq.

Cut to next mug shot

A photo of a Muslim man appears on the screen. He is wearing a bright pink turban, and his face is covered in make-up. He has huge, looped pink earrings in each ear.

Presenter: (Narration) Ali Barber. He is a drag queen from Nottingham.

Cut to next mug shot

A photo of a disturbed looking man comes up. He is holding a pistol to his head.

Presenter: (Narration) Zany Delaney. A fully qualified experienced murderer, on a day trip out from Millbrook.

Cut to next mug shot

A photo of a man comes up, with no pigment in his eyes. He has a long white beard and is raising a white stick above his head.

Presenter: (Narration) and finally, we have Dwayne Pipe. He is a dentist from Grimsby.

Cut to the first zone

It is the Medieval Zone

Ancient armour can be seen hung up on the stone brick walls

There are two candles lit in ancient looking candle holders

All of the contestants are wearing different coloured track suits

Presenter: Okay folks, here we are, in what is called the Medieval Zone. Ben, you are the team captain, what shall we play first?

Cut to Ben Dover

Ben: I think we shall play a mental game.

Ben's arm with the duck glove puppet on its hand raises itself suddenly up into the air, like a nervous twitch

The presenter looks taken aback

Presenter: Okay Ben, a mental game. Who is going to play this game?

Ben: Er...I think Zany can.

Ben's hand with the duck glove puppet on swings around, knocking over a set of armour on display.

Ben: I am so sorry!

Presenter: Not to worry, not to worry! Mumzey will have that picked up and back on display in no time.

The presenter grabs Zany by the arm, and leads him to a rusty looking door.

Presenter: Okay Zany, you've got 2 minutes on this game. Are you ready?

Zany: (Deep booming voice) I am ready!

Presenter opens the door

Zany enters the room

The door closes shut behind him

The rest of the team are stood outside, looking through the barred windows into the room

There is a man sat in the corner of the room

The man is dressed in old brown rags

Team: (voices from outside) Go to the man, answer his questions, then you win a crystal!

Cut to presenter

Presenter: That's right, you've got the idea!

Cut to the room

Zany: (Mutters to himself) I'll get him...I'll get him and his bloody crystal alright...

Zany walks up towards the man

Man: Please, take a seat (Gestures)

Zany sits opposite the man.

Man: would you like a biscuit?

Cut to Teresa Green

Teresa: (Squeals in delight) Biscuits! (Claps her hands with joy)

Cut back to inside the room

Man: You must get this question correct to win the crystal

Zany: Hurry! I've not got much time left!

Presenter: (Voice from outside) Er...you have one and a half minutes let Zany! Plenty of time!

Man: Okay...what was the name of King Arthur?

Zany: Erm...

Cut to team outside

They are in discussion over the possible answer

Teresa: Frank!

Ali: No no no...it wasn't Frank...er...I think it was Henry, wasn't it?

Presenter: Oh come on guys! The answer's in the question!

Ben: King! Zany, his name was King!

Presenter: What?! (Looks into the camera) Am I hearing this right?

Cut back into the room

Zany: Er...was it...King?

Man: No. Sorry. It was Arthur.

Zany: What?! Fuck off!

Zany stands up

He takes a pistol out of his pocket

He shoots the man in the head with it

The man falls to the floor

The crystal rolls out of the mans hand

Zany grabs the crystal

He bangs frantically on the door to come out

The presenter opens the door

Zany runs out

Ben: Well done, Zany! You got the crystal!

Presenter: Now listen here! (He points his finger up to Zany's face furiously)

Zany points the pistol at the presenters face

Presenter: (Hesitates) Er...well...well done Zany...er....well done...

The presenter pats Zany on the back

Presenter: Okay! One crystal from our first game...that's a good start! So...Ben? What game shall we play next?

Ben: A physical

Presenter: Oooo, a physical! And who's to play this physical?

Ben: Teresa is.

Teresa jumps around excitedly clapping her hands with glee

Presenter: Okay Teresa, if you would be so kind as to come this way

The presenter grabs Teresa's hand and leads her to a door

Presenter: It's a three minute game, and it's an automatic lock in. If you touch the floor, you will be locked in.

The presenter opens the door

Teresa enters the smoky room

A huge barrel can be seen on the ground placed on its side

A pile of bowling balls can be seen sitting in the corner

Presenter: (Voice from outside) What do you think you need to do, Teresa?

Teresa: Erm...can I come out please?!

Presenter: (Voice from outside) No you can't Teresa, you silly girl! You've only just gone in!

Cut to Teresa

Her eyes start to fill up with tears

Zany: (Voice from outside) Get in the barrel!

Teresa slowly crawls inside the barrel

Ali: (Voice from outside) No, before you get in the barrel you need to pick up a ball!

Teresa: Please let me out! (Starts to cry)

Cut to presenter

Presenter: (Talks into the camera) What is the point in coming on the show?! Seriously?!

Cut back to the room

Teresa is inside the barrel, now clutching a bowling ball

Presenter: (Voice from outside) You need to roll the barrel over the bridge in front of you, using your own body weight, Teresa! Then, you need to place the balls onto the weights on the other side! Eventually, the crystal will roll down the slope over there for you to collect! I'm helping you far too much here, Teresa!

The barrel can be seen rolling across the little bridge

Teresa can be heard crying from inside the barrel as it rolls

Suddenly, the barrel stops half way across the bridge

Cut to Dwayne

Dwayne is trying to sense where he is with his white stick

The presenter taps Dwayne on the shoulder

Dwayne jumps backwards in shock

Dwayne: Who's there?!

Cut back to the room

Teresa can still be heard crying

Teresa: (Voice from inside the barrel) I can't go on!

Team: (Voices from outside) Come on Teresa! Move the barrel!

Teresa: I can't! I'm going to die in here!

Ben: (Voice from outside) You won't Teresa! Come on!

Presenter : (Voice from outside) A minute left!

Teresa: (Voice from inside the barrel) Let me out! Closed spaces! I don't like closed spaces!

Presenter: (Voice from outside) Okay Teresa, but listen to me! To get out, you need to push that barrel back over the bridge with your body weight, so you can get back onto the platform!

Teresa: I can't! (Cries really loud)

Dwayne: (Voice from outside) What's going on in there?!

Presenter: (Voice from outside) Thirty seconds!

Ben: (Voice from outside) Come out Teresa!

Teresa crawls quickly out of the barrel, which she seems to forget is still half way on the bridge

She falls into the pit below the bridge

Cut to team outside

Presenter: Dear oh dear. Okay. She's now locked in. You have one crystal. Would you like to use that crystal to buy her out, or shall we move on?

Ben: Erm...the glove puppet is telling me to move on.

Cut to Aztec Zone

Dwayne can be seen placing a jigsaw together on the wall inside a sandy room

His white stick is resting against the wall

Team: (Voices from outside) That's it Dwayne! Come on, only three more pieces to put in!

Cut to presenter

Presenter: (Talks into camera) He's doing very well. Not as good as me though. I did this once, in like...half a second.

Cut to Dwayne

Dwayne is rubbing his hands over each jigsaw piece that is on the ground

Dwayne: Black...I can sense black...no...hang on...blue? No...Erm...guys? What colours do I have left?

Ali: (Voice from outside) Black and pink!

Cut to team outside

The presenter accidentally knocks over a huge candle holder on the wall

The candle falls out of the holder and lands on Ali's turban

The presenter doesn't notice this

Dwayne can be heard knocking on the door to come out

The presenter opens it

Presenter: Did you get the crystal?

Dwayne: Yes!

Presenter: Fantastic! That's now four crystals, which means twenty seconds of time in the crystal dome so far, with only two more games to play before we head there. We really need a crystal from these two remaining games. Ben, what would you like to pick to play, and who's to play it?

Ben: I'm going to play this game, and it's going to be a mental!

Presenter: A mental! You know what this means don't you? Mumzey fancied taking a trip out here into the garden today. She did tell me not to hassle her with guests and so on, but...she's just going to have to live with it! Ha! Come on, you're going to meet my mummy!

The presenter grabs Ben by the arm, and leads him to a door

Ben enters the room

The door closes behind him

Mumzey is sat at a desk in the corner

Mumzey: Hello young man, and what is your name?

Ben: Ben

Mumzey: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Let me come closer.

Mumzey gets out of her seat and walks up towards Ben

Mumzey: What did you say your name was again?

Ben's hand with glove puppet on swings into the air, resting itself onto Mumzey's breast

Ben: Oh my god! I'm awfully sorry!

Mumzey: Oh, you are a saucy devil you aren't you? I tell you what...let's forget the name shall we. Let's put the shutters down on the windows and spend a little time together, okay?

Mumzey walks up to the window

She pokes her head out

Mumzey: Oi!

The presenter walks up to the window

Presenter: What is it, Mumzey?

Mumzey: This is an automatic lock in, dear

Presenter: Since when?!

Mumzey: From this day on, I decide whether to lock then in here with me or not, and this one is staying with me

Mumzey puts the shutters down on the window

Presenter: Well. You heard the woman. I'm afraid that's two team members who you now have locked in. You have four crystals. Would you like to buy anyone out?

Zany: Yeah. We want to buy Ben out.

Richard knocks on the room window shutter

Mumzey: (Voice from inside the room) Go away!

Presenter: But mumzey! We want to buy him out! We will give you a crystal!

Mumzey: I don't care! He's not coming out! Ever!

Presenter: Right...(Faces team) Would you like to buy Teresa out instead?

Zany: No, we only have one more game to play. I think we can handle the dome by ourselves.

Presenter: Okay (Pause)

The presenter sniffs the air around him

Ali's turban is now set on fire, from when the candle dropped on it

Presenter: Can anyone smell burning?

Dwayne: I sense burning coming from that direction (Points to Ali who is stood next to him)

Presenter notices Ali's turban on fire

Presenter: Christ!

Ali notices this, and throws his turban onto the ground

The presenter goes into frantic mode, and starts jumping on the turban to put the fire out

It finally goes out

Presenter: Right! Our final game!

Ali: I shall play this one

The presenter grabs Ali's arm, and leads him to a door

Presenter: You have two minutes in which to do this

Ali enters the room

Two targets can be seen up on the wall

Ali has to shoot the targets with the paintball gun he has

Cut to outside

Zany has the presenter up against a wall by the throat

Dwayne: I sense danger...

Cut back into the room

Ali has hit one target

Cut back outside

Zany is being restrained in a corner by medical staff

The medical staff insert a needle into his arm

Presenter: (Into camera) apparantly, the needle calms him down...

Ali can be heard knocking on the door to come out

Presenter opens the door

Ali: I got it!

Presenter: Fantastic!

Ali: But, then I lost it...

Presenter: How?!

Ali: It fell in the sand, and I couldn't find it...

Presenter: Never mind...

Presenter takes out a harmonica from his pocket, and starts to play it

Presenter: Just a little tune I made up earlier

He carries on playing

Ali: Oh my god! (He suddenly looks poorly)

Ali puts his hands to his head, and collapses onto the floor

His body starts to shake

Ali: CHRIST!

Presenter stops playing and looks in astonishment

He clutches his harmonica in his hand

Presenter: What is it? What's wrong with him?

Ali: (still shaking on the floor) Har...mon...I...ca...

Presenter: What...you didn't like my playing or what? I don't understand...

Dwayne: I sense trouble...

Zany punches Dwayne in the face

Dwaynes nose pours with blood

Dwayne: I was right...

The medical staff run onto the set and drag Ali away

Presenter: Right. So, Zany and Dwayne. The two of you are going to the dome...it's not enough really is it...

Cut to the dome

Zany and Dwayne are stood inside the crystal dome, waiting for the fans to blow the gold and silver tickets around them

Presenter: Will you start the fans, please!

The fans start to blow around inside the dome

Presenter blows his whistle

Presenter: (Mutters to himself) Now's the time to escape I think...

The presenter grabs the prizes he has for the contestants

The presenter exits

Zany notices this from inside the dome

Zany: Hey! Where are you going?! Stop the fans! Let us out! Hey!

Cut to presenter

He starts the engine on his motorbike

He exits

Cut to Dwayne

Dwayne: I sense anger...

Zany: I sense death!

Zany slams Dwayne's head against the dome wall.

End of Sketch

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Setting is on a football park

There is a tape player sat on the side of the park

The tape player is playing a recording of a crowd from a big football match

There are 4 players on either side on the park

The referee is wearing a halloween headband that has devil horns attached to it

Number 2 from Beer United's opponents comes in with what looks to be a fair tackle on Number 4 of Beer United

The referee blows his whistle

The referee shows a yellow card to Number 2

Number 3 of Beer United comes running up the park with the ball at his feet

He's one on one with the goalkeeper!

All he has to do is shoot this past the keeper and into the goalmouth

But wait!

Number 3 puts his foot on the ball to stop it.

He puts up his hand to gesture 'hang on a minute' and he pulls a bottle of Vodka out of his knee length football socks

Number 3 then drinks the bottle of Vodka, all in one spell

Cut to several minutes later

Beer United are again in possession of the ball

As Number 4 runs past his opponent, he stabs him with a Stanley Knife

The referee runs up, and gives number 4 a telling off

Cut to the second half

Number 2 of Beer United is looking quite hesitant as his opponent comes running at him with the ball at his feet

Number 2 is the last defender, and he must get this ball to prevent the opponent getting through

Number 2 pulls a gun out of his shorts, and shoots the opponent.

The opponent falls to the park in pain

The referee comes running up and gives Number 2 a telling off. Still no card!

Beer United's Goalkeeper looks worried, as the opponent runs at him with the ball

The goalkeeper throws a mine out of his shorts onto the park ahead of him

The opponent runs onto the mine

There is a puff of smoke

The referee runs up to the goalkeeper and gives him a telling off! Unbelievable - still no card!

Cut to overview of the park

Beer United's opponents are all bandaged up, head to toe.

Cut to one of Beer United's opponents, who, despite the bandages and wounds, makes a brilliant tackle on Number 4 of Beer United

The referee runs up and raises a red card to the opponent!

The opponent is off!

The opponent cannot believe it!

The opponent walks slowly off the park, shaking his head in dismay

Cut to the referee

The referee is stood motionless in the park

The referee blows his whistle for full time

The referee takes out a gun from his pocket

He puts the gun to his head, and pulls the trigger

The referee drops to the park

Number 4 from Beer United runs up to the referee

Number 4 raises a yellow card at the referee

End of sketch

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Setting is inside an electrical store

A man enters holding a box

The store manager is stood behind the counter

Store Manager: Can I help you?

Man: I’d like to return this please

Store Manager: Why, what’s wrong with it?

The store manager takes the box from the man

Man: Well, it’s a drill I purchased from you yesterday. You see, I got it out today and for some reason it won’t switch on.

Store Manager: How nice. Good day! Next!

Man: Er…I’m sorry…I’d like a refund, please?

Store Manager: Well you can’t

Man: Well why not?

Store Manager: Because I don’t believe in them

Man: Well I’m sorry, but under consumer law

Store Manager: (Interrupts) Oh don’t start with all that crap! We don’t live by the rules anymore!

Man: And what is that supposed to mean?

Store Manager: It means what it says! We don’t have rules!

Man: But everybody has rules!

Store Manager: (Puts his arm around the man) My friend, do you realise what happened as soon as you stepped through that door, hmmm?

Man: Er…should i?

The store manager walks over to a lever and pulls it. A mysterious looking wall suddenly opens, revealing two men, stood there, dressed in Viking outfits

Store Manager: Watch and learn, watch and learn…

The store manager narrates

Narration: As you can see, here we have two men. One has a gun in his pocket - one hasn’t…

Viking 1: Give me all of your money, punk!

Viking 2: No!

Viking 1 raises his pistol at the man and shoots

Viking 2 drops on the floor, lifeless.

A policeman enters wearing a dildo strapped to his head

Policeman: ‘Ello ello ello! What do we have here then!

Viking 1: Just a dead body sir. I shot him.

Policeman:  Good lad, good lad…well, I’ll be off then. You don’t need me anymore. In fact, nobody does – because here in BreastLand nobody needs us anymore! Fuck the law!

Viking 1: What’s law?

The policeman and Viking 1 laugh

Policeman: Hahahahahhaha, good one! Good one!

The policeman exits

Viking 1 exits

A man wearing nothing but a pink thong and carrying a pink teddy bear enters

Thong man: (Runs up to the wall opening) Now fuck off!

Cut to electrical store

Store manager: See? We don’t believe in laws

Man: So you wouldn’t mind if I did this then?

The man revs up a chainsaw and laughs rather menacingly at the store manager

End of Sketch

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There is a knock at the front door

A young man answers

There is a young woman stood at the door

She is wiping her tears away with a screwed up tissue

Young Woman: He's gone! (Sobs)

Young man: Grandad?

Young Woman: He passed away this morning

Young man: Come in, sit down...

The young woman sits on the sofa

The young man walks around the room in a circular motion, deep in thought

He suddenly stops walking and slowly takes a seat

Young man: But sis...I mean...how did It happen?

Young Woman: He was peeling some potatoes in the kitchen, he turned around and tripped, banged his head on the oven, whilst his hand fell into the paper shredder. It was turned on. Oh it was horrible. There was potato peel everywhere...

Young Man: I can't believe it... (Cries)

Young Woman: (wipes her eyes with tissue and blows her nose) He says it's all your fault...

Young Man: My fault? What do you mean?!

Young Woman: Those were his last words...

Young Man: But...I...I don't understand (cries)

Young Woman: I think it's because you didn't allow him to stay here with you like you promised after Gran died...

Young Man: Yes, but I had a girlfriend back then! I mean...oh jeez...maybe you're right! How could I have been so selfish...but...but...he was alright there, with you, wasn't he?!

Young Woman: Yes...but he really missed seeing you...

Young Man: (Puts his head in his hands and cries)

Young Woman: It's okay...even if it was your fault...

Young Man: I wish I'd let him stay here with me... I wish I hadn't let him down...

Young Woman: ...you also wish you cooked him a proper Sunday dinner - meaning no microwavable meals, and changed his urine bag every few hours...

Young man: Yes! Yes...oh how I miss it all (cries into his hands)

Young Woman: (Shouts) Grandad!

The front door opens, and grandad enters

Grandad is holding a suitcase

Young Woman: You're in

Grandad looks at the young woman and smiles

Young Man: What the?! But! But! .... I ... thought you was dead!

Young Woman: I just wanted to see you cry and make you feel bad. He's all yours now. Hell, I work from home and have sex every thursday nights, I can't have him moping around anymore. See you later Grandad.

The young woman pats grandad on the back and exits.

Young man: I can't believe she would do and say such a thing!

(Pause)

Grandad: Er...I think I've pooed, could you be so kind as to change me and also, it is a Sunday, I expect a great Sunday dinner and a can of that Fosters stuff... And none of that microwavable shit...

The young man sighs

End of sketch
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Setting is inside a tiny nightclub

There are four old men, each sat in wheel chairs on a stage

They are singing a song into some microphones that have had the stands shrunken down to chair height

The dance routine starts to begin

The four old men wheel backwards and forwards in their wheelchairs to the dance solo

A pair of knickers and bras can be seen landing on the old men's laps and draping over their shoulders

Cut to audience

The audience is full of old women

The audience are screaming in delight at their idols

A banner can be seen being held up by one old woman

The banner reads 'Can I Suck Your Bunion Harold'

Cut to living room

The four old men are being interviewed

Interviewer: so, you're all brothers, is that right?

Old man 1: Yes, we have 3 cats, yes. Why do you ask?

Interviewer: No, I asked if you are all brothers

Old man 1: No! No, there are no others.

Interviewer: Okay...let's move on. Which one's Harold?

Harold: (Raises hand) That'll be me

Interviewer: Now Harold, I hear that you're the heart throb of the band, is this correct?

Harold: Snobs? No, there aren't any snobs in this band, no.

Interviewer: Okay... I'm going to ask Roger my next question

Roger has his head rested on the back of his chair. He is snoring

Interviewer: Okay...I won't disturb him then. Er...one final question boys. When are you touring again?

Camera focuses on old man 1

Old man 1: Well...(Suddenly clutches his chest and drops back in his chair)

Old man 2: Oh, he's passed. Roger, Rog, wake up....he's finally passed

Roger: (sits up) oh, oh. You owe me fifty.

Old man 2 and Roger laugh

Interviewer: Shouldn't we call somebody?

Old man 2: Yes, he was quite tall wasn't he? I mean... I'm surprised you could tell, with him being sat down

Interviewer: That's not what I said (gets frustrated)

There is a knock at the door

Old man 2: (Shouts) Come in!

Five old women enter

Roger: These are our groupies

Harold: (Old woman sat on his lap) We might be old, but we're not stupid

End of sketch
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Setting is inside a cafe

Two women are sat at a table, drinking tea and in deep discussion

Woman 1: So he came down the stairs wearing nothing but a hard hat, and I told him to remove the carrot

Woman 2: But he wouldn't?

Woman 1: No! I couldn't believe it!

Woman 2: So what did you do?

Woman 1: Well I walked straight behind him and pulled that carrot right from between his cheeks

Woman 2: Was he angry?

Woman 1: He was when he saw me put the carrot inside the rabbit hutch

Woman 2: Oooo, he does love his carrots doesn't he?

Woman 1: He's got it into his head that he can shove any kind of vegetable or fruit up there ... But well...it's just getting boring now

Woman 2: Do you still rub jaffa cakes across your breasts?

Woman 1: Oh yeah! It's awfully good for the skin!

Woman 2: Well I've been rubbing eggs on mine

Woman 1: Oooo!

Woman 2: Here, I've brought you a box

Woman 2 passes woman 1 a box of eggs

Woman 1: Awwww, thank you!

Woman 1 cracks one of the eggs onto the side of the table and rubs the running yoke up her blouse

Woman 1: Oh! Oh I say! It's making my skin feel good already! Thank you! I've found that rubbing potato's on my breasts makes them bigger

Woman 2: Really?

Woman 1: Yeah! I went from a size C to a D just like that I did!

Woman 2: That's great!

Woman 1: Yeah, so I've brought you a bag

Woman 1 pulls a big bag of potato's from under the table, placing them on top

Woman 2: Oh my word! Thanks!

Woman 2 places the bag of potato's next to her chair

A man enters

Man is holding a plate of sandwiches

Woman 1: (whispers to woman 2) he's here!!!

Woman 2: (whispers to woman 1) is that him? I hope he's not still mad about the carrot (laughs)

Woman 1: Hello darling

The man bends down and kisses woman 1 on the cheek

Man: I've er...I've stopped off from work to bring you these cheese and cucumber sandwiches I promised you

Woman 1: Oh lovely! Oh you are a darling! (Kisses man on cheek)

Woman 1 takes the plate of sandwiches from the man and places them on the table

Woman 1: He makes the best cucumber sandwiches ever, don't you darling?

Man: Yeah, I like to think so. (Looks at woman 2) Here, try one

Woman 2: Oh I'd love to, thank you

Woman 2 picks up a sandwich and takes a bite

Woman 2: Mmmm! Delicious! The cucumber is so crunchy...

Man: I keep it in a special warm place to make it go like that

Woman 2 starts to look sick

She chews slowly on the sandwich with a disgusted look on her face

She places a tissue to her mouth and stands up

Woman 2: (Tissue placed to her lips)Excuse me, I need the toilet

Woman 2 exits

Man: Something I said?

End of sketch
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Setting is outside a seaside chip shop

A young woman is interviewing a man

She is writing notes down in a notepad

The man is holding some sunglasses

Man: So I basically just put these sunglasses on and I can see through things

Young woman: And you think that this would be a good invention, why?

Man: Well, it would allow you to walk around seeing what's inside peoples bags and seeing what's happening through the walls in peoples houses and they're very handy for if you lose something...a bit like when you lose something under the doormat ...You see...perfect invention.

Young woman: Looking through people's bags and walls is illegal! (Stops writing) I somehow can't see this invention being made legal on the market Sir...

Man: put them on.

Man hands young woman the sunglasses

She hesitantly takes them off the man

Man: Go on, put them on. You will soon see what you will be missing.

Young Woman: (Puts the sunglasses on and looks straight at the man) from this evidence, it doesn't look like I'll be missing much...(Stares at the mans trousers)

Man: Hey! Stop that! Give me those back here! (Snatches the sunglasses off the young woman's face) ...not on! That's not on at all!

Young woman: oh calm down, I wasn't even looking, I was staring into the wall behind you

Man: Well...not the point...(Looks embarrassed)

Young woman: Whatever, this invention of yours is not going ahead (packs her notepad away into her bag)

Man: Woah! (The man is wearing the sunglasses and looking at the woman's skirt)

Young Woman: Oh come on, stop that now, I told you, I wasn't even looking...

Man: Penis! You've! You've got a penis!

Young Woman: Yes? Well didn't you know? (Rubs her body in an erotic way)You are in the land of the penis...

A group of attractive young ladies strut up the road towards the man, wearing very sexy clothing.

Man: (still wearing shades) wha...wha...what's happening?!

The group of attractive young ladies giggle as they walk past the man

Man: they...they...they've got... They've got willy!

Young woman: (laughs at the man uncontrollably)

Man: Stop it! Stop laughing! Stop it!

The man finds himself surrounded by sexy women

The sexy women are all pointing and laughing at the man

The man looks scared and confused

The man pushes through the crowd of sexy women, pulls the sunglasses off his face and runs towards a cliff edge

The man jumps off the cliff edge screaming

Cut to a bedroom

The man is laid in bed

His eyes burst open and sweat pours from his forehead

Man: What a strange dream...

There is a knock at the door

The man slowly stands up from his bed

He rubs his eyes

The man answers the door

A lady is stood there in a silk dressing gown

Lady: Did you sleep well? I think you dropped these...

The lady passes the man the sunglasses

Man: Thank you...

Pause

Man: wait a minute. Where did you find these?!

Lady: outside the chipshop. You ran off in such a hurry...

The lady drops her dressing gown off

She reveals the back of her naked body

Lady: Let's make love!

Man: N...no..no, I can't!

Lady: What's wrong?

Man: You have a penis! Get away from me!

The lady pushes the man onto the bed

Lady: (shouts) come on in girls!

Five women in dressing gowns enter

They all jump on top of the man

Man: help! I can't move! Get off! Get off me!

The women have the man pinned down onto the bed, giggling uncontrollably

Man: (Shouts) PEEENNNIIIIIIIIIIIS! NOOOOOOOOO!

End of Sketch
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The setting is inside an old book shop

A man can be seen stood near a bookshelf, examining the pages of a book whilst looking around him hesitantly.

The man rapidly tears out a few pages from the book

The man quickly places the crumpled up pieces of paper inside his mouth

Narrator: (Off camera) This is Barry. Barry likes to eat pages from books. He calls it an addiction. Most nights, he will sneak into book stores, libraries and schools, just to eat pages from these books. We caught up with him at his home. This is what he had to say.

Cut to living room

Barry: I’m quite choosey really. I can’t just pick any book. The Enid Blyton books taste a bit disgusting, a bit like a dirty vagina or something…you know?  Kids’ books just don’t do it for me. My favourite book to eat is probably The Bible.

Interviewer: (Off camera) How do you get your hands on the Bible…I mean, I know you can get them from book stores but have you ever tried breaking into a church for one?

Barry: I did once…but I found the vicar rubbing it across his nipples in a very erotic manner…he was topless. I was disturbed, so I left very sharply. The best places to find a nice tasting Bible is on market stalls. AC tastes better than BC, by the way. But I guess that’s because BC tastes like bull crap, hence the name…

Interviewer: Before Christ.

Barry: What?

Interviewer: BC, that’s what it stands for.

Barry: Oh.

Awkward Pause

Interviewer: What do you get out of eating pages? I mean…don’t you ever eat normal food?

Barry: Well what’s normal?

Interviewer: Well, don’t you own an oven or something like that?

Barry: It caught fire. That’s where the Enid Blyton books went. She tastes like shit.

Interviewer: So…who tastes the best, apart from…well…God?

Barry: Anne Frank tastes good…(interrupted)

Interviewer: And I think we’d better stop you there actually (nervous laughter)

Barry: Before you finish, I have something to show you.

Interviewer: Oh?

Barry: (Picks a bucket up next to the chair he’s sitting on) Look in there

The interviewer takes the bucket and starts rummaging through it

Interviewer: It’s just all paper…

Barry: That is my poo

Interviewer: (looks slightly ill) …. Oh? Erm… doesn’t it hurt…at all? You know…when it’s coming out?

Barry: My bum hole is torn to pieces. Wanna see?

Interviewer: Actually, no, Barry, I think we should end it there…

Barry stands up and starts to unbutton his trousers

Interviewer: No, Barry, you can’t …. (Glares at the camera) Turn that damn camera off!

The screen goes black

End of sketch.

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The setting is inside a studio

There is a live audience

A presenter is sat at a desk

Presenter: hello, and welcome to 'Bust Your Brains', the game show where each of our teams will be battling it out for the prize of one hundred packets of salted peanuts and a dead cat.

The live audience claps

Presenter: let's meet our two teams who are competing against each other today. On my left, we have Team Nipples, all the way from Hong Kong!

Four Chinese men smile into the camera, waving.

Presenter: On my right, we have Team Titties, all the way from Oxford, England.

Four posh ladies are waving into the camera.

Presenter: So we have the men versus the ladies today! This should be very interesting indeed...

The presenter picks up his question cards

Presenter: Okay, round one. This question is for Team Nipples. Here we go. 'Name a domestic animal'

Team Nipples look at one another and look deep in discussion amongst themselves.

Presenter: Okay, could I take each of your answers please?

Team Nipples contestant 1: Er...Bruce Lee?

Team Nipples contestant 2: Bruce Lee

Team Nipples contestant 3: ...erm...hmmmm...yes. Bruce Lee

Team Nipples contestant 4: Lee Bruce. I mean Bruce Lee!

Presenter: I'm afraid that's not the right answer...now, Team Titties, can you answer to steal the points?

Team Titties contestant 1: well of course, I'm going to say cat. And I'm sure my other good bum girlies agree with me.

Presenter: Do you agree with that answer Team Titties?

Team Titties all nod their heads in agreement

Presenter: It is a correct answer, which gives you 100 points

The live audience clap

Presenter: Round two. Team Nipples, back to you. 'How do you spell 'the'?'

Team Nipples all nod their heads and smile like they are aware of the correct answer

Team Nipples contestant 1: B R U C E L E E

Team Nipples contestant 2: .....B R U C E L E E

Team Nipples contestant 3: ...er...B...T...no, sorry. Erm...B R U C E L E E

Team Nipples contestant 4: B R U C E L E I ... No, not I. I meant E.

Presenter: No. I am afraid that is wrong yet again...Team Titties, you get a chance to steal the points again. How do you spell 'the'?

Team Titties contestant 1: oh come on...so easy this. T H E

Team Titties contestant 2: can't believe they didn't get this. T H E

Team Titties contestant 3: T H E

Team Titties contestant 4: (filing her nails) T H E

Presenter: That is the correct answer!

The live audience clap

Presenter: Now, this is the final round. It is worth 500 points. So, Team Nipples, you still have a great chance of getting through to the finals here if you win this round. Team Tittie's, you are currently in the lead with 200 points. But that could all come undone in this last round.

Team Titties contestant 4: Oh it's hardly going to be difficult is it, haha, Bruce Lee, who the arse is he anyway?

Presenter: (mutters)yes...right...well you stuck up snobs wouldn't know would you...

Team Titties Contestant 4: I'm sorry?

Presenter: Nothing. Okay. The final round. Team Nipples, your question. (Smiles and winks at Team Nipples as he reads out the question) 'who starred in the martial arts film, Enter The Dragon?'

Team Nipples look deep in thought

Team Nipples Contestant 1: Er...cat?

Team Nipples Contestant 2: Chuck Norris?

Team Nipples Contestant 3: Roger Moore

Team Nipples Contestant 4: Dog?

Presenter: No, no, no you fucking idiots!

The presenter stands up from his desk, kicking his chair onto the ground.

Presenter: it was Bruce Lee! Bruce fucking Lee, you morons!!!

Team Nipples sit there with puzzled looks on their faces

Presenter: Now you've gone and let them stuck up snobs win! Do you see what you've done?!

Team Titties Contestant 4: I beg your pardon?

Presenter: Oh fuck off and choke, the lot of you.

Team Titties Contestant 4: I will make sure you never present again!

Presenter: Die! (The presenter takes a grenade out of his pocket and throws it behind Team Titties' desk. There is an explosion, and as the smoke clears, Team Titties aren't to be seen)

Presenter: It was Bruce sodding Lee!

A group of security guards start to drag the presenter off stage

Presenter: (whilst struggling to escape the security guards' grasp) Bruce sodding Lee!

End of Sketch
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Vicky Sticky: Hello. My name is Vicky Sticky, and I can stick to things.

Cut to a street

Vicky Sticky is clinging half way up onto the body of a lamp post, her legs wrapped around it

A man walks past, acknowledging her

Vicky Sticky: I'm sticky! Sticky!

Cut to the side of a house

Vicky Sticky is laid flat on the wall of the house, just underneath the roof.

Vicky Sticky: (Whilst stuck to the wall) I'm sticky! Sticky!

Cut to a bread store

A baker is talking into the camera

Baker: she always asks for a special type of bread, does our Vicky Sticky. The ingredients include snot from little boys, glue and ear wax. Oh, and of course, wheat for the bread etc...she often brings me these ingredients herself inside a milk bottle. (Holds a milk bottle up that looks very sticky and green in colour). Sometimes she struggles to get the snot. But we have an 8 year old boy locked in the basement who we force to snot into the bottle for us when this happens. It's this bread that allows Vicky Sticky to stick to things. Have I tried this bread myself? Fuck off. The ear wax is a bit too chunky for my liking. She uses these sticky 'powers' of hers to her advantage. She's helped police capture many burglars, whilst walking up the walls to bedroom windows etc, which she has become loved for around these parts. She's our own little super hero, is our Vicky Sticky. But ya' know...

Man Holding Camera: Know what?

Baker: She's especially good in bed...

End of sketch
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He has them all stood in a line in front of him

Manager: Football isn't just about putting a ball into the back of a net, its about skill. Skill that a few of my players don't have

The players look at one another nervously

Manager: Some of you will be going this summer. Some of you will be staying. The only way to determine which one of you are going and staying is to see how well you can play. Now, having watched your training session today, I was reasonably impressed. By about two of you. (Pause)

Footballer 1: Which one of us were you impressed with gaffer?

Manager: shut up.

The footballer looks down at the ground in shame

Manager: (takes out a list of names) number 9, 10, 1, 3, 5, 8, 7, and 11...could you all step forward please.

These players step hesitantly forward

Manager: You're all crap. Crap as a piece of...well...crap. And for this reason, I am going to shoot you all.

Footballers: what?!

Manager: yes, shoot. You know, with a pistol. (He takes a pistol out of his coat pocket)

The manager shoots them all in the foot

The footballers start to hop on one leg, nursing their wounded foot

Manager: you'll all be playing tomorrow.

Assistant manager: but they can't walk!

Manager: oh they will.

Cut to match day

The wounded players can be seen playing football on the pitch against the opposition whilst on crutches.

The manager is sat in the dugout

The substitute goalkeeper walks up to him

Goalkeeper: gaffer, me and the boys have all decided that you're a crap manager. For this reason, you will be forced to listen to Jason Donovan cd's, whilst eating bananas.

Manager: no...no! ... Anything but bananas! And anything but Jason Donovan!

The goalkeeper helps the assistant manager drag the manager down the dugout and into the changing rooms

The manager is kicking and screaming, trying to break free

Cut to changing rooms

The manager can be seen tied up to a fire extinguisher on the wall, with a banana sticking out of his mouth

Jason Donovan is blazing out of the cd player.

Assistant manager: give it to him boys

The footballers that aren't wounded all kick a football towards where the manager is tied up

End of sketch
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Setting is in a pizza place

A pizza boy can be seen speaking on the phone

Pizza boy: (on phone) Right...okay. So, that's a meatfeast, yes? Lovely. I'll be there in thirty minutes.

Pizza boy puts the phone down and exits

Cut to a road

The pizza boy is riding his motorcycle

Suddenly, the motorcycle swerves to one side as its wheels slide over a clump of ice in the road

The motorcycle falls over onto its side

Pizza boy falls to the ground

He pulls the motorcycle towards the side of the road

The pizza can be seen flat in the middle of the road

Pizza boy goes to grab it

Suddenly, a car drives past, running over the pizza

Pizza boy: (mutters) oh bloody hell...

Pizza boy runs into the road and picks up the pizza off the ground, along with its crumpled cardboard box

He places the pizza back inside the box

He gets back on his motorcycle and rides off

Cut to petrol station

Pizza boy can be seen buying some cigarettes from the petrol station store

He walks out into the station, and lights his cigarette

He checks his watch

Realising he is running late, he quickly drops the lit cigarette onto the ground, ready to leave

The lit cigarette drops onto some spilt petrol, causing a fire to erupt

The blaze spreads to a nearby car

The car owner runs over to the pizza boy

Car owner: My car! My fucking car! You bastard!

The car owner punches pizza boy in the face.

Pizza boy falls to the ground, face first

Car owner throws pizza boy's motorcycle down onto the ground next to him

The pizza tumbles out of the bag, out of its cardboard packaging, landing next to the pizza boys head

Car owner grabs pizza boys hair, pulling his head up, then dropping his face into the pizza topping.

Car owner exits

A fire engine can be heard in the distance

Cut to a side street

Pizza boy is driving the motorcycle rather unsteady

He pulls over

He looks very sick

Suddenly, he vomits all over the pizza bag attached to the front of the motorcycle

The bag is open

Pizza boy quickly pulls the now destroyed pizza box out of the bag

There is no longer a lid attached to the box

Some of the vomit has landed on the pizza topping

Pizza boy: (mutters) oh bloody hell...

Pizza boy carefully picks out the pieces of vomit

Cut to a front door

Pizza boy knocks on the door

He is holding the crumpled pizza box in his hand

A young woman opens the door

Loud music can be heard coming from inside the house. People can be seen dancing in the living room

There is a party going on and the young woman and all of the house guests are drunk

Pizza boy: Er. Listen. I'm very sorry about the box. You see...(Interrupted)

Young woman: Ha! Forget about the box big boy. We just want pizza! (Laughs hysterically)

Young woman pays pizza boy the money for the pizza

Pizza boy: er...thank you! Enjoy your meal!

Young woman slams the door shut

She enters her kitchen and puts the pizza onto a plate

Young woman: (shouts towards the living room) Pizza!

Two of the house guests enter

They are both holding beer bottles

Guest 1: What flavour is it?

Young woman: Meat feast, innit!

Guest 1 examines the pizza

Guest 1: What's these orange chunks?

Young woman: Dunno, probably peppers or something

Guest 1: (Grabs a slice and turns to guest 2) Here ya' go!

Guest 2: (takes the slice and puts it into his mouth)

Guest 1: Nice?

Guest 2: Best pizza I've ever had...the peppers are especially lovely and crunchy...

End of sketch

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The setting is inside a studio

A middle aged woman is facing the camera, baking cakes

The presenter is stood next to her

Presenter: Here we have Mrs Currant. She is going to show us today how to make a splendid currant cake, aren't you Mrs Currant?

Mrs Currant: That is correct petal, I am indeed. First you will need lots of eggs, flour, milk etc, and you can also add a touch of alcohol - to give it a bit of a twang. In fact, here's one I made earlier. Mr Presenter, would you be so kind as to taste that before I show the viewers at home my step by step guide, just so they have an idea as to how beautiful it will be.

Presenter: well I'd love to Mrs Currant

The presenter cuts himself a slice of the cake

He puts the slice in his mouth

He chews slowly on it for a few seconds

He slowly starts to look sick, as he spits the remaining cake out

Presenter: Oh my god! That's disgusting!

The presenter is violently sick all over the counter

Presenter: Help! Help meee! (Can't stop being sick)

Presenter: Can't...can't...breath...I...I....

The presenter drops to the floor

He doesn't move

Suddenly, the phone on the counter rings

Mrs Currant quickly answers

Mrs Currant: Er...hello? You are through to The Currant Show. What would you like to know?

The person on the other end of the phone is a lady.

The ladies voice can be heard

Lady: Hello Mrs Currant. I would like to know what alcohol you used in that cake. I'd really like to make a cake exactly like that one for my husband...

End of sketch
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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