Ssssh! This Is an Exam
Setting is inside an exam hall
Four students are sat at their desks in a line
Examiner: You have 2 hours. Good luck
The students open their papers
The students start to take notes
A ‘fart’ noise can be heard
A couple of students giggle
The students carry on with the exam
A loud burp can be heard coming from student 1 at the end of the line
The students all laugh
Student 1: Sorry! I do apologise! (Holds his hand up to say sorry)
Examiner: Excuse me! We are under exam conditions which means no talking!
Student 1: So stop talking then
The students laugh
Examiner: Get out!
Student 1 stands up and kicks over his chair in a rage
Student 1 exits
The students remain in silent and get back to the exam
There is a knock on the big hall windows
Student 1 is stood outside the window doing a little dance in just his underwear
All of the students laugh and point
Examiner: Stop! Please! Stop this at once!
Student 1 can be seen getting dragged away by the head teacher
The students get back to the exam in silence
Student 2 takes out a cigarette and lights it
Student 2 puts his feet up on the desk
Examiner: Put that cigarette out at once young man!
Student 2 lights the end of his exam paper with his lighter
Examiner: Out! Get out!
Student 2 walks out smoking his cigarette
The examiner throws the lit exam paper on the floor and stomps out the flame
Examiner: Anybody else? Hmm?
Student 3: Well there are only 2 of us left, Sir.
Examiner: And are you going to be little cunts, hmmm?
Student 4: Of course not sir.
Examiner: What do good boys do, hmmm?
Student 3: They lick penis, sir.
Student 4: And rub ice cream all over Sir’s nipple, Sir…
Examiner: Which nipple…hmm?
Student 4: The left nipple, Sir. Always the left nipple.
Examiner: And what happens if you do it to the wrong nipple…hmm?
Student 4: We get tied up and thrown inside your basement, Sir.
Examiner: That is right. So, if you both do as I say…then you both pass this exam with top grades. What do you think?
Student 3: I’m all for it Sir (Gets tub of ice cream out of his bag)
Examiner: And what about you? (Looks at student 4)
Student 4: Erm…erm…I don’t know…Sir…you see, there’s this girl…and…
Examiner takes out a gun and shoots student 4 in the head
Examiner: Waste of space.
Pause
Examiner: You (points at Student 3) Follow me
Student 3 stands up to leave
Examiner gestures for him to follow
Examiner exits
Student 3 runs back to pick up the ice cream off his desk he had forgotten
Student 3 exits
End of Sketch
