The Crystal Maze Spoof
The presenter is stood in front of a huge, glass crystal shaped dome.
He is wearing a bald cap - bits of his real hair can be seen poking out from under it. He is wearing black leggings and a leopard print coat. Presenter: (Into camera) Hello! Loveable Ricky here! Welcome to a brand new series of The Crystal Maze. After a good few years out, we thought it only best to make a return, due to the huge public demand. Let's get straight to it shall we and meet our contestants. Cut to first mug shot The shot shows a photo of a very smiley young man The young man has a glove puppet of a duck on his left hand, raised high above his head. Presenter: (Narration) Here we have our team captain, Ben Dover. He is an accountant from Bristol. Cut to next mug shot A photo of a woman comes up. She has buck front teeth which go over her lower lip. Presenter: (Narration) Teresa-Green. She is a full time librarian from Iraq. Cut to next mug shot A photo of a Muslim man appears on the screen. He is wearing a bright pink turban, and his face is covered in make-up. He has huge, looped pink earrings in each ear. Presenter: (Narration) Ali Barber. He is a drag queen from Nottingham. Cut to next mug shot A photo of a disturbed looking man comes up. He is holding a pistol to his head. Presenter: (Narration) Zany Delaney. A fully qualified experienced murderer, on a day trip out from Millbrook. Cut to next mug shot A photo of a man comes up, with no pigment in his eyes. He has a long white beard and is raising a white stick above his head. Presenter: (Narration) and finally, we have Dwayne Pipe. He is a dentist from Grimsby.
Cut to the first zone
It is the Medieval Zone Ancient armour can be seen hung up on the stone brick walls There are two candles lit in ancient looking candle holders All of the contestants are wearing different coloured track suits Presenter: Okay folks, here we are, in what is called the Medieval Zone. Ben, you are the team captain, what shall we play first? Cut to Ben Dover Ben: I think we shall play a mental game. Ben's arm with the duck glove puppet on its hand raises itself suddenly up into the air, like a nervous twitch The presenter looks taken aback Presenter: Okay Ben, a mental game. Who is going to play this game? Ben: Er...I think Zany can.Ben's hand with the duck glove puppet on swings around, knocking over a set of armour on display. Ben: I am so sorry! Presenter: Not to worry, not to worry! Mumzey will have that picked up and back on display in no time.The presenter grabs Zany by the arm, and leads him to a rusty looking door.
Presenter: Okay Zany, you've got 2 minutes on this game. Are you ready? Zany: (Deep booming voice) I am ready! Presenter opens the door Zany enters the room The door closes shut behind him The rest of the team are stood outside, looking through the barred windows into the room There is a man sat in the corner of the room The man is dressed in old brown rags Team: (voices from outside) Go to the man, answer his questions, then you win a crystal! Cut to presenter Presenter: That's right, you've got the idea!Cut to the room
Zany: (Mutters to himself) I'll get him...I'll get him and his bloody crystal alright... Zany walks up towards the man Man: Please, take a seat (Gestures) Zany sits opposite the man. Man: would you like a biscuit? Cut to Teresa Green Teresa: (Squeals in delight) Biscuits! (Claps her hands with joy) Cut back to inside the room Man: You must get this question correct to win the crystal Zany: Hurry! I've not got much time left! Presenter: (Voice from outside) Er...you have one and a half minutes let Zany! Plenty of time! Man: Okay...what was the name of King Arthur? Zany: Erm... Cut to team outside They are in discussion over the possible answer Teresa: Frank! Ali: No no no...it wasn't Frank...er...I think it was Henry, wasn't it? Presenter: Oh come on guys! The answer's in the question! Ben: King! Zany, his name was King! Presenter: What?! (Looks into the camera) Am I hearing this right? Cut back into the room Zany: Er...was it...King? Man: No. Sorry. It was Arthur. Zany: What?! Fuck off! Zany stands up He takes a pistol out of his pocket He shoots the man in the head with it The man falls to the floor The crystal rolls out of the mans hand Zany grabs the crystal He bangs frantically on the door to come out The presenter opens the door Zany runs out Ben: Well done, Zany! You got the crystal! Presenter: Now listen here! (He points his finger up to Zany's face furiously) Zany points the pistol at the presenters face Presenter: (Hesitates) Er...well...well done Zany...er....well done... The presenter pats Zany on the back Presenter: Okay! One crystal from our first game...that's a good start! So...Ben? What game shall we play next? Ben: A physical Presenter: Oooo, a physical! And who's to play this physical? Ben: Teresa is. Teresa jumps around excitedly clapping her hands with glee Presenter: Okay Teresa, if you would be so kind as to come this way The presenter grabs Teresa's hand and leads her to a door Presenter: It's a three minute game, and it's an automatic lock in. If you touch the floor, you will be locked in. The presenter opens the door Teresa enters the smoky room A huge barrel can be seen on the ground placed on its side A pile of bowling balls can be seen sitting in the corner Presenter: (Voice from outside) What do you think you need to do, Teresa? Teresa: Erm...can I come out please?! Presenter: (Voice from outside) No you can't Teresa, you silly girl! You've only just gone in! Cut to Teresa Her eyes start to fill up with tears Zany: (Voice from outside) Get in the barrel! Teresa slowly crawls inside the barrel Ali: (Voice from outside) No, before you get in the barrel you need to pick up a ball! Teresa: Please let me out! (Starts to cry) Cut to presenter Presenter: (Talks into the camera) What is the point in coming on the show?! Seriously?! Cut back to the room Teresa is inside the barrel, now clutching a bowling ball Presenter: (Voice from outside) You need to roll the barrel over the bridge in front of you, using your own body weight, Teresa! Then, you need to place the balls onto the weights on the other side! Eventually, the crystal will roll down the slope over there for you to collect! I'm helping you far too much here, Teresa! The barrel can be seen rolling across the little bridge Teresa can be heard crying from inside the barrel as it rolls Suddenly, the barrel stops half way across the bridge Cut to Dwayne Dwayne is trying to sense where he is with his white stick The presenter taps Dwayne on the shoulder Dwayne jumps backwards in shock Dwayne: Who's there?! Cut back to the room Teresa can still be heard crying Teresa: (Voice from inside the barrel) I can't go on! Team: (Voices from outside) Come on Teresa! Move the barrel! Teresa: I can't! I'm going to die in here! Ben: (Voice from outside) You won't Teresa! Come on! Presenter : (Voice from outside) A minute left! Teresa: (Voice from inside the barrel) Let me out! Closed spaces! I don't like closed spaces! Presenter: (Voice from outside) Okay Teresa, but listen to me! To get out, you need to push that barrel back over the bridge with your body weight, so you can get back onto the platform! Teresa: I can't! (Cries really loud) Dwayne: (Voice from outside) What's going on in there?! Presenter: (Voice from outside) Thirty seconds! Ben: (Voice from outside) Come out Teresa! Teresa crawls quickly out of the barrel, which she seems to forget is still half way on the bridge She falls into the pit below the bridge Cut to team outside Presenter: Dear oh dear. Okay. She's now locked in. You have one crystal. Would you like to use that crystal to buy her out, or shall we move on? Ben: Erm...the glove puppet is telling me to move on. Cut to Aztec Zone Dwayne can be seen placing a jigsaw together on the wall inside a sandy room His white stick is resting against the wall Team: (Voices from outside) That's it Dwayne! Come on, only three more pieces to put in! Cut to presenter Presenter: (Talks into camera) He's doing very well. Not as good as me though. I did this once, in like...half a second. Cut to Dwayne Dwayne is rubbing his hands over each jigsaw piece that is on the ground Dwayne: Black...I can sense black...no...hang on...blue? No...Erm...guys? What colours do I have left? Ali: (Voice from outside) Black and pink! Cut to team outside The presenter accidentally knocks over a huge candle holder on the wall The candle falls out of the holder and lands on Ali's turban The presenter doesn't notice this Dwayne can be heard knocking on the door to come out The presenter opens it Presenter: Did you get the crystal? Dwayne: Yes! Presenter: Fantastic! That's now four crystals, which means twenty seconds of time in the crystal dome so far, with only two more games to play before we head there. We really need a crystal from these two remaining games. Ben, what would you like to pick to play, and who's to play it? Ben: I'm going to play this game, and it's going to be a mental! Presenter: A mental! You know what this means don't you? Mumzey fancied taking a trip out here into the garden today. She did tell me not to hassle her with guests and so on, but...she's just going to have to live with it! Ha! Come on, you're going to meet my mummy! The presenter grabs Ben by the arm, and leads him to a door Ben enters the room The door closes behind him Mumzey is sat at a desk in the corner Mumzey: Hello young man, and what is your name? Ben: Ben Mumzey: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Let me come closer. Mumzey gets out of her seat and walks up towards Ben Mumzey: What did you say your name was again? Ben's hand with glove puppet on swings into the air, resting itself onto Mumzey's breast Ben: Oh my god! I'm awfully sorry! Mumzey: Oh, you are a saucy devil you aren't you? I tell you what...let's forget the name shall we. Let's put the shutters down on the windows and spend a little time together, okay? Mumzey walks up to the window She pokes her head out Mumzey: Oi! The presenter walks up to the window Presenter: What is it, Mumzey? Mumzey: This is an automatic lock in, dear Presenter: Since when?! Mumzey: From this day on, I decide whether to lock then in here with me or not, and this one is staying with me Mumzey puts the shutters down on the window Presenter: Well. You heard the woman. I'm afraid that's two team members who you now have locked in. You have four crystals. Would you like to buy anyone out? Zany: Yeah. We want to buy Ben out. Richard knocks on the room window shutter Mumzey: (Voice from inside the room) Go away! Presenter: But mumzey! We want to buy him out! We will give you a crystal! Mumzey: I don't care! He's not coming out! Ever! Presenter: Right...(Faces team) Would you like to buy Teresa out instead? Zany: No, we only have one more game to play. I think we can handle the dome by ourselves. Presenter: Okay (Pause) The presenter sniffs the air around him Ali's turban is now set on fire, from when the candle dropped on it Presenter: Can anyone smell burning? Dwayne: I sense burning coming from that direction (Points to Ali who is stood next to him) Presenter notices Ali's turban on fire Presenter: Christ! Ali notices this, and throws his turban onto the ground The presenter goes into frantic mode, and starts jumping on the turban to put the fire out It finally goes out Presenter: Right! Our final game! Ali: I shall play this one The presenter grabs Ali's arm, and leads him to a door Presenter: You have two minutes in which to do this Ali enters the room Two targets can be seen up on the wall Ali has to shoot the targets with the paintball gun he has Cut to outside Zany has the presenter up against a wall by the throat Dwayne: I sense danger... Cut back into the room Ali has hit one target Cut back outside Zany is being restrained in a corner by medical staff The medical staff insert a needle into his arm Presenter: (Into camera) apparantly, the needle calms him down... Ali can be heard knocking on the door to come out Presenter opens the door Ali: I got it! Presenter: Fantastic! Ali: But, then I lost it... Presenter: How?! Ali: It fell in the sand, and I couldn't find it... Presenter: Never mind... Presenter takes out a harmonica from his pocket, and starts to play it Presenter: Just a little tune I made up earlier He carries on playing Ali: Oh my god! (He suddenly looks poorly) Ali puts his hands to his head, and collapses onto the floor His body starts to shake Ali: CHRIST! Presenter stops playing and looks in astonishment He clutches his harmonica in his hand Presenter: What is it? What's wrong with him? Ali: (still shaking on the floor) Har...mon...I...ca... Presenter: What...you didn't like my playing or what? I don't understand... Dwayne: I sense trouble... Zany punches Dwayne in the face Dwaynes nose pours with blood Dwayne: I was right... The medical staff run onto the set and drag Ali away Presenter: Right. So, Zany and Dwayne. The two of you are going to the dome...it's not enough really is it... Cut to the dome Zany and Dwayne are stood inside the crystal dome, waiting for the fans to blow the gold and silver tickets around them Presenter: Will you start the fans, please! The fans start to blow around inside the dome Presenter blows his whistle Presenter: (Mutters to himself) Now's the time to escape I think... The presenter grabs the prizes he has for the contestantsThe presenter exits
Zany notices this from inside the dome Zany: Hey! Where are you going?! Stop the fans! Let us out! Hey! Cut to presenter He starts the engine on his motorbike He exits Cut to Dwayne Dwayne: I sense anger... Zany: I sense death! Zany slams Dwayne's head against the dome wall. End of Sketch Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
